Anyone who watched more than three minutes of this show could see this one coming.  And about three minutes of  is all I’ve ever seen.  There have been studies done that show you can predict divorce with incredible accuracy by watching just three minutes of a couple discussing an argument.  As far as I can tell, this show was simply one big argument.  It starred a wife in love with the fame that comes with being a D-list celebrity and a boring husband who always looked like he was considering putting a shotgun in his mouth and pulling the trigger.  The show’s only saving grace was the eight adorable kids.  (Well, seven.  The kid with the glasses has a forehead like a drive-in movie theater screen.)

I just hope they cross this show over with that other show, where the exes try to fix each other up with a new person.  That could be good TV.  Or perhaps Jon could date New York, and Kate Flava Flave.  That could work.  Or better yet, maybe Angelina and Brad could adopt the eight kids, film them for a 12 episodes, and take bets whether or not they split up before Season Two.

I really need to be in charge of programming for a network or two.

Here is “The Announcement” of there seperation.  You know, watching this, it’s hard to think this whole thing wasn’t just a ratings grab.

INT. TONY’S OFFICE

Tony sits behind a desk littered with comics, bills, empty
snack wrappers and Red Bulls. Blam! Comics promotional posters
adorn his walls.

Felix sits casually, the folder of art in his lap.

TONY
Pendragon. Is it finished? Say
yes.

FELIX
I’m here to talk about “Over” Tony.

TONY
(deflated)
It’s not finished. Okay. Fine.
You brought the originals like I
asked?

Felix holds up the large folder of art.

TONY
Can I see them?

Felix proudly hands Tony the massive folder of art.

TONY
Know that I do this because I
respect you and your career.

Tony empties the folders contents into a trash bin. Felix
recoils in horror.

FELIX
You didn’t like it?!

TONY
Ohhh…that’s an understatement.

Felix springs from his chair, recovering pages from the bin.

FELIX
I was just talking to Gwen! She
said she liked it!

TONY
It’s not the graphic novel she
likes.  Believe me, Felix, I’m
putting this delicately. It’s
complete shit.

Felix straightens out the stack of art pages on Tony’s desk.

FELIX
This is a classic story!

TONY
A classic? Tell me, Shakespeare,
what’s this story about?

FELIX
Asshole! You didn’t even read it
and you’re telling me-

TONY
I read it. Wish I hadn’t. I’ll ask
again. What’s the story about?

FELIX
It’s a classic tale of love and
loss. It’s a heartfelt story about
a character-

TONY
Cut that character shit right now!
It’s about you, Felix! The
character is you with a bad goatee!

Tony holds a page from the comic in Felix’s face.

ON COMIC PAGE

An inked drawing of Felix with a goatee, looking sad.

ANGLE ON TONY AND FELIX

FELIX
Okay, the main character and some
elements of the story were inspired
by-

TONY
You made a two-hundred and fifty
page graphic novel about breaking
up with your girlfriend! That’s all
this is, Felix!

FELIX
People read this stuff! Romantic
comedies are always popular.

TONY
Romantic com- First off, it’s not
funny. I didn’t laugh once.
Second, where the hell is the
romance?

FELIX
What about all the self-deprecating
humor?

TONY
Humor? That was what my teenage
daughter would call TMI. Too much
information. WTF, Felix?

INT. OUTSIDE TONY’S OFFICE DOOR
Gwen eavesdrops.

TONY (OS)
If you ever hope to sleep with a
woman again, you’ll burn this.

Gwen nods.

Without You by Hinder

Key Lyrics: I didn’t want to believe it then/ But it all worked out in the end/ When I watched you walk away well I never thought I’d say/ I’m fine without you

Felix Rating: 97 (Acceptance)

Analysis: Hinder is one of those bands that will put out an album that is equal parts raunchy party anthems and radio friendly rock ballads.  This is one of the rock ballads.  The song does capture that moment where there’s no going back.  “Cause something’ s changed, you’ve been acting so strange, and it’s taking its toll on me.”  The only problem I have with this song is that it’s probably a hell of a lot easier to “Live it up a little more every day” when you’re a rock start, rather than some average Joe dealing with a broken heart.  But maybe post-breakup is a good time to channel you’re inner rockstar for a bit.

Wait For You by Eliot Yamin

Key Lyrics: If you give me a chance I can love you right/ But you’re telling me it won’t be enough

Felix Rating: 3 (Denial)

Analysis: She’s not coming back, Eliot.  Buck up kid.  It’s not “her pride” that makes her “run and hide.”  It could be your grill though.  (That’s mean.  I’m sure his teeth were the first thing he got fixed with his advance.)  But seriously, read the signs.  She’s not calling.  She can’t look at you.  She’s not crazy, dude.  She’s just not that into you.  And sure, you could spend the rest of your life waiting for her to change her mind (which isn’t going to happen) but really, is she worth it?

Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

Key Lyrics: Time always reveals/ The wound that would not heal/ It’s the bitter taste of losing everything/ That I have held so dear.

Felix Rating: 72 (Depression)

Analysis: Sarah McLachlan does melancholy as good as anyone.  Even her “happy” love songs are tinged with a knowing sadness, tailor made for Nicholas Sparks movies.  While I don’t think this is specifically a break-up song, if you’re in the midst of one when you hear it, you’ll assume it is.  Though saying so would have the existence of my balls called into question…damn, that “Mirrorball” was a hell of an album.

INT. TONY’S OFFICE

Felix sorts through the comic pages and holds up a few pages
depicting goateed Felix and a Faith look-alike having sex.

FELIX
No romance? It’s got love, sex-

TONY
It’s got sex alright.

FELIX
Sex sells! You didn’t think the
sex scenes were good?

TONY
Maybe the first one was decent.
But after a while, even they got
tedious. There’s more to a love
story than bumpin’ uglies.

Felix flops back in his chair.

FELIX
Spoken like a true romantic.

TONY
Here’s what I do know. Nearly
every romance story ever told is
about two people perfect for each
other, struggling to overcome
obstacle after obstacle to finally
live happily ever after.

Tony flicks a few pages away from him in disgust.

TONY
But this? This is a story about
two people so obviously wrong for
each other that it’s amazing they
stayed together as long as they
did, and it’s a fucking relief when
it’s finally over.

FELIX
The book, or the relationship?

TONY
Both!

FELIX
Maybe you’re just not the target
market for this.

TONY
Target market! The only target
market for this is you, Felix!

FELIX
Come on! It had a happy ending!
The epilogue-

TONY
Was the worst!

Tony grabs a few pages of the comic from the table.

ON COMIC PAGE
A panel of goateed Felix driving an expensive convertible.

TONY (OS)
Is this really what you thought
would happen?

ANGLE ON FELIX AND TONY

TONY
It’d be some kind of best seller
and she’d regret leaving you?

Tony pushes another page toward Felix.

ON COMIC PAGE
A panel of goateed Felix on Oprah’s couch.

TONY (VO)
Is this you on Oprah?

ANGLE ON FELIX AND TONY

TONY
Oprah, Felix?

FELIX
It could happen.

TONY
Not a chance in hell! What’d you
think, Felix? One day Faith was
gonna read this and realize she
made a mistake? Hell, she reads
this and there won’t be a doubt
left in her mind dumping you was
the best decision she ever made.

FELIX
Fuck you, Tony.

Felix angrily starts to collect the pages.

TONY
Five scenes, Felix. In two hundred
and fifty pages there are at most
five good scenes. And in those
scenes is all anyone needs to see
to know the relationship wasn’t
going to work.
(apologetic)
I can’t publish this…And frankly,
no one will.