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FLASHBACK SEQUENCE – FELIX CAN’T GET OVER HER
INT. FELIX’S APARTMENT – DAY
Felix stomps around, a man possessed. He tosses every last vestige of Faith- pictures, letters, a pair of panties- into a box as Stan Lee watches disapprovingly. He seals the box, and tosses it in the corner of his bedroom.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
A depressed Felix half watches a talk show while writing a long letter to Faith. On the TV, a self-help GURU.
GURU (ON TV)
But if you can control your
thoughts, you can take back control
of your life! Here’s a trick…
Felix turns up the volume.
GURU (ON TV)
Take a rubber band and put it
around your wrist. Every time a
thought you don’t like pops in your
head, give it a little snap.
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
Felix eats alone at a restaurant.
GURU (VO)
See, the body and mind hate pain,
and they’ll force you to stop
having those negative thoughts.
He looks over at a HAPPY COUPLE feeding each other. He snaps a rubber band on his wrist.
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Felix slumps on the couch, the floor littered with empties, finishing a twelve pack by himself. Stan Lee pushes his empty dog dish to Felix’s feet. Felix fills it up with beer.
INT. BATHROOM
Felix busts into the bathroom and vomits in the toilet. Stan Lee follows, and vomits all over the floor beside him.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
A drunken Felix trips on the Faith box. He curses it, picks it up, and tosses it on the back porch.
INT. AT COMPUTER
Felix surfs a personal ad site.
ON MONITOR
A generic personal ad for a woman seeking a man. Included is a picture of a very attractive woman.
ANGLE ON FELIX
Felix types out an email response and sends it. A moment later, he gets a reply. He opens it, smiling in anticipation, but that smile quickly fades.
ON MONITOR
A generic email response, inviting Felix to check out “hot pics” and view a webcam.
INT. GROCERY STORE – DAY
Felix sees an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN picking out fruit. She looks up at him and smiles. Felix returns a weak smile, then-
An ATTRACTIVE MAN shoulders past Felix. He smiles and tosses a box of condoms and lubricant in the woman’s shopping cart. They kiss.
Felix’s wrist sports twenty rubber bands and he starts snapping each one.
INT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT
Felix sits in a dingy, nearly empty club, drinking a beer and hardly watching a STRIPPER in her early 40′s gyrate on her knees in front of him.
STRIPPER
Why the sad mug, handsome?
FELIX
You’re wearing her perfume.
STRIPPER
Makin’em forget about their girlfriends is my specialty, sugar.
The stripper shakes her fake tits in his face.
STRIPPER
Your lady have tits like these?
Felix looks up.
FELIX
No. Hers were real.
(takes a drink)
And she didn’t have a cesarean
scar.
EXT. STRIP CLUB – NIGHT
Felix is tossed out of the club by a large bouncer.
EXT. FELIX’S BACK PORCH – DAY
Felix exits the house with a bag of trash. He stops, the Faith box catching his eye.
EXT. BACK YARD – DAY
Felix digs a hole with a shovel. Stan Lee looks up at him like he’s nuts. Felix tosses the Faith box in the hole, and shovels dirt on top.
INT. MOVIE THEATER
Felix watches a romantic scene on the big screen. On his wrist is the world’s thickest rubber band. Felix pulls it back as far as it will go. He lets it snap, and screams in pain. The crowd barks at him to shut up.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Felix sits alone at the bar. The bartender pours him a shot of whiskey. Felix grabs the bottle, not the shot glass, from the bartender and chugs the whole thing. He then spits it up, all over himself and the bartender.
EXT. BAR EXTERIOR – NIGHT
Felix gets tossed by another large bouncer.
INT. FELIX’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Felix hangs up the phone. On his lap is a local magazine, opened to the erotic services section.
EXT. FELIX’S FRONT DOOR – NIGHT
We see the back of a sexy woman in a tight red dress knocking on Felix’s door. Felix opens the door, pleasantly surprised.
EXT. FRONT DOOR – NIGHT
Standing there is the ESCORT, a bombshell blond, extremely attractive.
ESCORT
Hey, cutie. You must be Felix?
FELIX
Wow. You’re actually-
BODYGUARD (OS)
A nice piece of stank, ain’t she
slim?
A hulking BODYGUARD, mid-30′s, stands to the side of the door. He’d be thoroughly intimidating, were it not for the INFANT sucking on a pacifier, strapped to a baby bjorn on his chest.
FELIX
Who’re-
BODYGUARD
I’m the guy gonna lay down the
ground rules, homes. Here’s the
deal. It’s a pay-per-hole policy.
ESCORT
You said you’d stop calling it
that.
BODYGUARD
I’m handlin’ this, babe.
(to Felix)
A hundred per hole, per hour. Hour
minimum. Half up front, cash
money.
The baby’s pacifier falls out.
BODYGUARD.
Oopsie, daisy.
He pops it back in the baby’s mouth.
BODYGUARD
There you go.
(looking Felix over)
You look like a three input kinda
guy, aren’t you slim? You dirty
fuck. That’ll run you one-fifty
upfront.
Felix looks to the escort.
FELIX
Is this guy for real?
BODYGUARD
Am I for real? Did he just ask-
Alright, tough guy.
The bodyguard lifts the infant in the baby bjorn away from his chest to reveal a GUN tucked underneath the baby!
BODYGUARD
What do you think?
FELIX
Jesus!
ESCORT
Damn it, Clint! I told you not to
bring that on any more calls.
BODYGUARD
Try doin’ something freaky you
ain’t paid for in there with my
girl and we’ll see if I’m for real.
ESCORT
I’m so sorry. I thought once I gave
him a kid he’d mellow out a bit,
but-
FELIX
That’s your kid?!
ESCORT
Go back to the car, honey. Let me
handle this, he seems like a nice-
BODYGUARD
It’s always the nice ones that are
trouble. You remember that dude
drove the ice cream-
The door SLAMS on the escort and bodyguard. Felix is gone.
INT. FRONT DOOR – MOMENTS LATER
Felix catches his breath and shakes his head. We hear muffled arguing, and then, GUNSHOT!
A look of horror crosses Felix’s face, until he hears a BABY CRYING.
BODYGUARD (OS)
It’s all good. Just blanks!
ESCORT (OS)
Give me the fucking baby!
Felix lets out a sigh of relief.
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